Z is for Zodiacs

My zodiac sign is Leo, which is for August, well not all of August but part of July and August. According the characteristics of a Leo we are supposed to be: confident, ambitious, generous, loyal, encouraging, pretentious, domineering, melodramatic, stubborn and vain.

Okay I agree with some of these charactersistics but some I do not believe I am at all. I am supposed to be well organized, well that doesn't happen a lot. Sometimes I get into a fit of I got to clean everything up and put it in its place but there are many days when I am like ah leave it I will get to it later.

I am not always confident and tend to second guess myself a lot. I am not very ambitious, yes I want to get ahead in life but I won't do it at any cost. I am generous most of the time sometimes I am stingy. I am loyal to a fault and sometimes that is my downfall. I am very encouraging of others and not so much to myself.  I am very melodramatic, that's why I am a writer. I am very stubborn but I blame that on my German roots. I am not vain, far from it in fact. I don't think I am pretty or anything of the sort.

Y is for youth

Oh to be young again and go back and do it all over again and not have the worries of adulthood and all that it entails.

I would love to go back to the days of having someone else take care of me and provide all that I need and not have to worry about money or work. I would love to go back to the days when all I had to do was get up, go to school, get my homework done, although I fought that tooth and nail. To play with my friends out on the road until dark and ride my bike or go next door and jump on the trampoline or ride bikes down the street and have a great time and no worries. To go back to watching cartoons in the morning and reading when I wanted.

To be young again would be great but then I think look at all that you have learned as you have grown older. What would you do with that knowledge if you were younger? Would you change things or just let it go the way it was meant to? Would you have the friends you have now or the child you are so proud of? What if?????????????????????

X is for Xenophobic

Xenophobia is the fear of strangers. Didn't know that there was such a thing. I knew of people who were afraid to go outside but to actually be afraid of strangers is harder to understand. At some point in our lives we are all strangers to each other until we meet and get to know each other.

To me that would be a lonely existence not to be around people that's how we make friends and have great people in our lives by meeting people but I understand that some cannot. I have days when I don't want to talk to anyone and my friends understand that but there are times too when I want to go out and have fun but I do have a hard time walking up to people I don't know and starting a conversation especially if they are a gorgeous hunk of a specimen. But to those who suffer from this phobia I sympathize and maybe there will be a way to figure out how to live with it that is beneficial to all.

Why do I write?

I sometimes ask myself that question. Why do I write? I don't do it everyday like I should but I don't go a day that I am not thinking about writing and coming up with story ideas in my head that somehow disappears when I get home.

I look around and see the people who surround me and I make up little stories about them and their lives. It's so much fun to pretend that I know their real stories.

I was watching Game of Thrones last night and in one of the episodes, Sansa was sitting on the dock with her handmaiden, Shay and they were making up stories about the ships that were out in the water. I thought at first that Sansa was telling the truth until I realized she was just making up a story. So in a way I am like her, pretending that I know the truth.

Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction as they say and I think it's fun to delve into the true history and see what is fact and what is fiction. I have been "writing" since I was in the second grade when our second grade teachers had us write short stories about clowns and then about an animal. I didn't do so well on the clown one but I do kind of remember the story I wrote about a spider that was living in the corner of my room of my bedroom in my childhood home. Not that I can remember it all and then I think I had to re-write the story of the ant and the grasshopper and I don't think that came out well either but I did love when we were in junior high, I think, in literature class and we had free write or reading time. I loved that time. It was the best time for me because I love to read and I loved doing book reports when it dealt with authors because I got to learn something fascinating about them.

I try to keep a notebook around to write down ideas and there about a ton of stories I have started but not completely finished but I did get one completely finished two years later but I am working on the revisions and research now. I have tried to read about how to write but I am going with my instincts and go with my feelings of what comes out even if it doesn't make sense the first time and my grammar gets atrocious. That was not my thing in school, grammar or math or science. But I loved literature, because I got to read and escape to new places and history because I learned new things about our country and got to question why did we do what we did?

So for now I will persevere on writing and see where it leads me. Maybe one day I will be able to say see that book over there on the shelf along with the ones written by my favorite authors? I wrote that and I am damn proud of it.

V is for Visions

V is for visions and I don't mean the kind brought on by starving ourselves or delving into drugs. I am in no way shape or form a medicine woman, a psychic or anything like that. Now being a psychic might be fun but then I would know my future possibly and sometimes that might be a bad thing.

Visions to me is the idea for a book or an art project, not that I can draw. Doing good to draw stick figures. I do have visions for cakes but sometimes they don't work out exactly the way I want and sometimes it's a good thing or a bad thing, mostly bad though. LOL.

I try to draw out my ideas on paper but then I am not an artist  like DaVinci so I do the best I can.

My vision for my future is to keep my friends close as possible and to move forward in my life, I know I'm almost 45 and I am still thinking of the future but if we don't think of the future and what might be where would we be? DEAD......but I digress. My vision for the future is to get at least one book completed, edited, researched and published and then go from there.

 I am hoping to sell a few of the books and say I am a published author and then maybe I will do more and maybe just maybe Johnny will be willing to be my hero and will want to make a movie out of one of my books and then I will realize my vision of finally meeting him.

U is for ummmmmmmmmmmmmm

U is for ummmmmm...........what to write about for this letter. Maybe I can go with unapproachable. That's a good word to use. Unapproachable. Sometimes I am very standoffish for fear of being hurt but other times I let others in just to be hurt like I predicted, self fulfilling prophecy anyone??????????? I have let some in and they have not hurt me but have instead supported me through thick and thin and there's been a
lot of thick or maybe it was thin? I don't know but I do know that they stood by me and haven't let me down so thank you.

I am bad about the walls around me that comes from years of experience in being let down not just by the opposite sex but life in general. I"m not saying my life was all bad but there have been some downs as well as ups. Oh look another U word, lol. My ups in my life have been my friends, my son, my family but my downs have also been that too, except for my son. He's been mostly an up but I have been a down to him for a long time and I wish I could go back and fix it.

I hope now that my life is on an upswing and stays that way for a while I am tired of the down swing and I know I have to be the one that changes that and no one else. I can't blame everything that has gone wrong in my life on others, I have had a huge hand in that myself and it's up to me to fix it.

T is for Testing

T is for Tests. There are all kinds of tests, standardized tests, driver tests, job tests, school tests. But the one test I think about the most is our daily test. Every day we are tested with our jobs, our homes, our family, our friends and how we deal with these tests shows the kind of person we are. Some days I pass these tests with flying colors and I am fine but other days I just want to bury my  head in the sand and say please God let it be over soon. Every night I pray for all my family, friends and my son and that every thing will be okay the next day.

I never know day to day what is going to happen or where my life will go. I have so many plans that I want to accomplish but I know it's a test of my faith in myself and God if it will work out. I have a great support group that tells me to keep going and not stop. But there are many days when I doubt myself and if I will make it to the next day without royally screwing up.

I have a new job now and that in itself is a new test that I hope to pass but then today I got a phone call from a friend who says that might be able to get me into their company and work my way up to full time quicker and I am not sure. Here's the test.....do I stay at my current job where I have already invested time and money in shirts or do I take a chance and change jobs after just a couple of weeks?

Another test I have to finish these blogs that I started at the beginning of April and fell behind again as I always do when it comes to finishing a project on time and then it's on to finishing the revision of my WIP (Work in Progress) and try to write a 400 word short story for a contest. So many tests and I am not sure if I can pass them all. I hope to but then again, tests were not my forte in school and I am not afraid to admit it.